Thursday, October 22, 2009
Having a pity party!
My daughter is getting older, less dependent, not as lovey dubby every minute. And time is ticking! She will be 7 in a few more months and I will be 30. She is gone all day at school and the few hours I have with her are crucial! I miss her! I tried to push the feelings of wanting another child aside by saying "Oh, one child is enough, we are happy with one." I tried to replace those feelings with a new puppy (that turned out totally wrong for our family), running, trying to serve in my calling more but it only helped during those moments and then the feelings would come back ten-fold. My heart is aching for someone to depend on me and love me again. I miss that with my daughter. I miss feeling her kick inside me, those precious moments at the 2 am feeding, watching her as she learned to walk, talk, eat whatever it is! And I loved changing her diapers. I miss it all! I want to do it all again! As I read others blogs, look at pictures, talk to other families, truly my heart is aching! I don't want to hear one more person say to me "At least you have one." "Why chance it" "Be happy with you got"! I know I am very blessed to have one and I love the new adventures we are living with her but am I selfish to want another!? To want Analise to be a big sister. To see my husbands face when I tell him I'm pregnant! I want to feel and experience it all again! I'm so jealous and it is so hard to hear when others are pregnant! I'm happy for you but I want to cry! So for now.....JUST LET ME CRY!!!
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4 comments:
Holly, you were a big reason why I decided to have another. I knew that you were dying to have more and I was being selfish and "enjoying some me time". Screw "me time". Right now is mommy time. I can't imagine what you're going through and of all the people that have children in the world I wonder why you don't have six. You're a fantastic mom and have so much love and patience. You go ahead and cry when you need, we all have to do it or else we'll crack and never come back. Just know that I love you and pray for you always! You're awesome!
Holly- I love you and you are a dear friend. I think it is fine to be selfish and have those thoughts. I did after I miscarried. I am sure Heavenly Father has a great plan for you and figuring it out is the tough part. I will continue to think about you and pray for you too.
I just saw this post today--dumb blogger is not updating the dates on others blog posts! I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed someone to talk to about this! I'm starting to get an inkling of what you are feeling when every month I am a day or two late, get excited, take a test, and have it be negative! I don't know why the feeling is so strong to have another child and then not be able to conceive one. When others are announcing their 3rd, 4th, or 5th child and you only have one it is so devastating!! I will continue to pray for you and know that I am here to talk whenever you need to!!
Holly you can cry all you want! Stay strong! I love reading about my old friend and getting to know you a little bit again. You are an inspiring Mom that I wish I could be more like. Life is so unpredictable with so many different trials, I don't have any answers just hope for you!
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